We have a new long shot in the celebrity death lottery: Taylor Swift. Here’s a Ms. Swift quote for the ages that makes her seem aged:
“I don’t wanna end up being awful and intolerable. Alone. Laying in a marble bathtub by myself, like sad, with a glass of wine just complaining that my life ended up alone because I pushed everyone away because I thought I was too good to hang out with anybody.”
What Ms. Swift should worry about is if she’ll drown in the tub filled with her self pitying alligator tears.
Or, she winds up as a star in this scene:
CUT TO: Lindsay Lohan at her therapist’s office.
LINDSAY (SOBBING): And then…and then….the bartender said it was closing time…and I was barely drunk! Doesn’t anyone understand me–besides Charlie Sheen?
LINDSAY’S THERAPIST: Huh, I’m sorry Lindsay. I have to cut this session short. I’m seeing Taylor Swift for the rest of the day and night. But before you go, tell your dad to stop threatening to kill me!”
But let’s give Swiftie a break. Maybe she was tired on the day of her “bathtub interview.” She no doubt was up the night before writing song after song about her past and future ex-boyfriend(s).
But…
There has to be a day where she runs out of boyfriends to write about because what boy would want to be her friend—and have their relationship sung about forever and ever?
And once men don’t want to be her friend, she’ll have to write about another friend: Man’s best friend.
After all, since a dog is man’s best friend, perhaps it can be a woman’s best friend. More specifically, Ms. Swift’s best boo. In time, Ms. Swift will get a Shih tzu dog to confide in. After a week, poochie will think, “God, and I thought I was a crazy bitch…this self-centered bee-atch is bonkers! I should call Kanye West and tell him to bitch slap her…but knowing Kanye, he’ll slap this bitch instead…because I’m dying to sniff Kim Kardashian’s St. Bernard sized booty.” Taylor’s doggie will run away; which will only make Ms. Swift write a song called:
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together…Because I’m Tired of Your Barking.”